Where the &*%^$ have you been!

My, it's been a long time. I don't know if my readership (Hello, Mr.Ego), well, really, if my readership still stops by to read, but we'll presume there are folks who still check for updates, if only out of stubborn hope that I'll blog again. (Hi, Megan!)

As any who follow Lunas' blog, there have been a number of craziness inducing variables showing up in our lives, specifically her health. As such, our whirlwind worldwide tour is a bit up in the air. It's been interesting because we've constantly had to reevaluate priorities and what we're up to, both in our relationship and in our lives.

Being in the condo, being able to relax, enjoy and treasure our first days and months of marriage, pursuing the interests I've claimed to have, but that no one has seen evidence of; these are all opportunities I'm excited about.

But it's a bit confronting. One of the things I've been dealing with, coming up on getting married, is facing up to some of the grandiose visions I've had in my life, that I've not yet fulfilled on. Being a professional magician, writing comedy, doing improv again, practicing aikido; I have a monstrous, overwhelming, dominating picture of how these things in my life SHOULD look, but don't.

I SHOULD have an hour long comedy magic show with a regular restaurant walk-around gig that steadily feeds me show leads that hire me. I SHOULD have a black belt in aikido and be teaching students. I SHOULD have LOADS more comedy material. I SHOULD have completed the curriculum at both Second City and Improvolympic.

I should have a clean apartment. I should have cleaned up my past 2 email accounts, and my old computer. I should be in regular communication with friends near and far.

SHOULD: be a better fiance, be a more financially secure adult, be more experienced and better paid as an employee.

I didn't realize until recently the extent to which I cower in front of my shoulds, shut down and just watch TV.

Thankfully, I realized something quite fabulous in a conversation with my best woman, Chris. I realized I might not be up to these visions. I might not be interested in the work it takes to do all these things, or even one of these things, to the extent my vision describes.

Not like a giving up or surrender, but like a possibility. Instead of struggling under the yoke of these ideas, feeling guilty about the lack of effort I'm putting in, I could actually just participate in my life, at exactly the level I'm at, dealing with what's right in front of me. That could unfold into a match for the vision. Or not. But it would be what I want to do.

Which is a novel thought for me. What I want to do. I started asking myself that recently. And instead of answering out of habit, I actually looked to see what that might be.

It's quite nice. And some of the answers have been surprising, while others are as they have been. But I know they are honest answers, which is a change of pace.

The best part is the enthusiasm and excitement I'm feeling about getting married. It feels like I'm getting married now, not in 2 months. It feels real and like it's happening now. (Which, of course, it is.)

Which brings me to the last thing I'm excited about (I also had a vision of what the wedding should look like, but isn't shaping up to be, which totally traumatized me):

I'm thrilled to be getting married.

I so love Megan. With all of our variables changing and moving, I'm just so happy to have her in my life. To kiss her hello when I get home from work. To watch her fall asleep on the couch. To play and to plan and to be with. I've never had someone who was, in my world, "by my side." Not like I've been a melancholy loner, pining away. Much. ; ) But to just know, in your gut, you've got a partner. They're it and that's how it should be.

Ahhhhh. . .I feel much better now.