Coming up for air

So the big day has come and gone. I survived (which I was sure would happen) and it went OK (which is less than I hoped.) Summing up what I learned:

1) To a huge extent, the audience, the venue and the circumstances determine what will work and what won't.

2) It's my job to find a way to make the show a success, regardless of audience, venue or circumstance. Or I shouldn't take the gig.

If it's not obvious, the weakness of the show was that, while what I created was solid and worked out, I wasn't prepared for this particular audience, venue and set of circumstances. (Children, stage, space, food, lateness, organization, etc.)

The 2 points I took from the experience can be dissected into a broad range of minutia, the dissection of which I did and will continue to do. I know that's the nature of the beast; I'll be working and reworking this show, evaluating it after each performance, for a long time to come. But that's not what I want to talk about.

I actually don't want to talk about anything. It's not a writer's block thing. It's an "I don't care thing." What I have to be careful of is believing "I don't care" when I think it. There are thousands of success stories, the main theme of which is not giving up. When that little voice starts its rant, the successful tell it to go screw off. At its most basic, it's a matter of delayed gratification. Doing that which I don't want to do in the moment because I know that "not being in the mood" does NOT equal "I don't want it." Honoring my mood is dangerous.

So there's "I don't care." Then there's the "I don't have what it takes" voice. That one has some serious mileage. That and its brother "I'm not talented enough." It takes something for me to remind myself that even asking the question is a waste of time.

"Do I have what it takes?" What the hell is that? And how would I know anyway? There are a thousand more stories of those who bucked the odds and succeeded in the face of nobody believing they had a chance.

I think one of the reasons I'm a bit resigned and sad is that, at the moment, there's a lull. The stage show was the future I was moving towards, my focus, so to speak. And I don't have one now. I need a goal, something to focus on. I have a number of things I know to do and to work on, but no direction.

Alright. So what am I going to do about that?...

OK, I'm going to create a business plan. By the end of the weekend. And post it somewhere.

There. That's a future to live into. It's not the one I'm in the mood for. But it's necessary. Ironically, when I think about making a business plan, it's exciting. But the actual starting of the business plan is a bit overwhelming and annoying.

I'll let you know when it's done.

By the way, for the record, I stopped getting rid of 5 things a day. However, I've hit almost every day on the poop scooping practice. Lastly, I've not been organizing each day's thoughts regularly.

So, for the record, I'm officially discontinuing the 5 things, continuing the poop scooping and am getting back on the organizing my thoughts wagon.

Alright. I gotta get some sleep.