Look who's back...

Well, we're back in the states and it's delightful. To be back. As Lunas mentioned in her blog, there's been a bit to deal with. And continues to need to be dealt with. Her granuloma, for one thing, is going to be cut off next week rather than this week. And of course, the day after the surgery is supposed to be cut off, something dramatic happens with it. (I'll leave her to blog about it.)

But the visit with my parents was delightful. We couldn't have been happier to have them come visit. We had Christmas dinner at ICC's house, then returned to our lovely, and much cleaner than it used to be, abode. One of the highlights was dinner on Monday, just before they left. Lunas and I found ourselves telling the story of how we met. The conversation became about relationships, love, what works and how much we care about each other. It meant a lot to me to have my parents hear that from us. One of those unplanned conversations that you just treasure.

And I start back with the Baha'i on Monday. I'm excited, but a bit confronted, as part of them hiring me is my agreeing to stay there for 2 years. I was fine about that for a couple of days and even got excited about it. I started to relate to it simply as something I do from 8 to 5, nothing more and nothing less. As someone who is typically dissatisfied with their current professional lot in life, I found myself quite unusually at peace with my place in the job market. I thought to myself, "This is what it must be like for people who are content to simply bring home a paycheck, nothing more and nothing less." I realized how much stress I carry around worrying about that sort of thing and what it would be like to just show up, do my job and go home. I began imagining how great it would be to have the rest of the time in my life to just use up, being with Megan, spending time with friends, working on magic, etc., without having any concern about if I was going in the "right" direction.

That lasted for all of a day. : )

Then I thought of how much I could be making in the "corporate" world, or if I got a teaching degree and went into math as a male teacher, or if I got a degree in computer programming.

I forgot to mention, part of the plan now that we've returned home, is to actively and intentionally develop my career (currently non-existent) as a magician. I decided during the honeymoon that this is the one I'd choose (over teaching and computer programming), because it's the thing I love. I love kids and fell in love with the one computer programming class I took(?), but magic is the thing that I always turn to, always return to.

And I'm dealing with feeling like I should be more of a provider with Lunas. The Bahai don't pay as much as I'd make elsewhere and I've got a bit of the old-fashioned in me, combined with a bit of ego. For better or worse, it just doesn't feel right to not contribute more to our household. (It doesn't help that I still have credit card debt from before the wedding that I insist on paying off myself, so I'm looking for a part time job since the Baha'i don't pay enough to pay off the credit card at the pace I'm committed to.)

And you know magic, in time, could absolutely make up for the income I don't have with the Baha'i. But there's the rub. Magic, unlike teaching or programming, is an absolutely self-generating proposition. While I know the steps to take, there's no required classes or homework to get from A to B. And I'm not historically the best at self-generating.

So the thought is, work at the Baha'i for the 2 years and in that time, work my ass off to establish a career for myself as a magician. If it goes well, I'll be primed to go full time magic. If not, I can then choose teaching or computers.

But then the voice in my head starts in about whether I should bother. I haven't really done what it takes up until now. Why should this time be any different? Shouldn't I just do what I know will work. Get into a program that outlines the process for me, follow it from beginning to end, make a good living doing whichever one it is and then have magic be a hobby, but all starting now, rather than wasting another 2 years of my life complaining, wishing it were different and not doing what I know to do. And it wouldn't be too bad. I'd still have magic AND I'd have security.

But I wouldn't have really tried to do what I've always dreamed of doing...

Or do I think it's my dream just because I read a lot of magic books...

But there isn't really a right choice; it's just choosing one.

But which one...

That's almost an exact transcript of the interior monologue. Ad nauseum.

And I don't want to "talk about it" either, because that's what I've always done.

So, as my grandfather always used to say, it's, "Shit or get off the pot."

By the way, I'm open to suggestion on the part time job front...